


Can I hold on for another night?

by Narmie



Category: Call Me By Your Name (2017), Call Me By Your Name (2017) RPF
Genre: Armie is in his own head, Hurt and comfort, Internal Thoughts, M/M, Self Loathing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-04
Updated: 2019-07-04
Packaged: 2020-06-09 15:14:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19478545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Narmie/pseuds/Narmie
Summary: He feels tears in the corners of his eyes, forcing their way out, making his vision blurry. He needs to get out of here now. He can’t cry in front of him, he can’t let him see how pathetic he is. How fucking broken, fragmented his soul is. That his whole being is fractured, shredded to pieces that he put together inaptly, just to fit this hollow inside him, to fill this black hole with something. He should’ve known that Timmy will see through fake smiles and pretend easiness, that he will see past his nonchalance and feigned arrogance.





	Can I hold on for another night?

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing it a long time ago, first I posted a small part on Tumblr then decided to expand it. It turned into this. 
> 
> Big, massive thank you to you L - not only for saying what I should add here and change but mostly for being supportive af! I don't have words to say how grateful I am for you.

He wakes up slowly, opening his eyelids, accepting his surroundings. He looks outside, the sky has a weird grey-ish color, that can mean rain or snow showers, that might be a little bit depressing, but also appreciated when you go for a walk. London weather. Space next to him is empty, the scent still lingering when he inhales deeply from the pillow. 

The apartment feels cold, more than usual in every morning and he just wants to stay undercovers all day, to bury himself in the softness of the sheets, wrap himself in the warmth of another body, indulge himself for a little bit more. He bites his lower lip, debating, finally deciding to fully wake up and seek for him. They just have a few days together after all. He puts a sweater on, feeling goosebumps from cold on his skin, leaving sweatpants behind, his feet bare as he walks off from the bedroom. 

Timmy sits in a wooden chair, laptop in front of him on the kitchen table, wearing a black hoodie, his curls peeking from the fabric. His legs hugged to his chest underneath the clothing, because of the chillness. Only his pale feet visible, planted on the chair firmly, his toes wiggling, unconsciously perhaps. He leans over the door frame, drinking in the sight of Timmy. So soft, so vulnerable, so open. So _his_. Finally his. 

Timmy’s fingers are curled around the baby-blue mug, the smell of coffee gently filling the space. He can’t move, glued to the floor by this sight. He would never get enough of it. It’s a terrifying thought, making his insides clench, his throat suddenly in knots. Sometimes it’s scary to want it all. He doesn’t deserve it, perhaps never will. He can’t be enough for him. For this beautiful human being. For this precious soul that gives and gives and gives. Sharp pain chokes him a little because deep down he knows it will end. That it can’t last. His visions blurs, tears filling his eyes even when he tries to stop them. How **he** can be enough?! 

Timmy turns around, a soft smile appearing on his face and Armie moves absentmindedly, wanting to be as near as possible. He wraps his arms around him, trying to ground himself, keep emotions at bay. For just a few days more. For just a few seconds more. He kisses Timmy’s temple, relishing how soft his curls feel on his lips. 

“Why are you not in bed?” he asks, because he can’t think of anything else to say. It’s too much and not enough. He's an egoist. He wants it all for himself, even though he knows it won’t last. That he will ruin it. It’s all inside him. He is just broken. 

“Couldn’t sleep” Timmy mumbles, his lips around the mug and Armie feels his eyes watering again. Doesn’t matter how much he wants it, how much he craves it. 

_He can’t know how damaged I am._

But he will. Soon enough. He can’t hide who he truly is. There’s no escape from the truth that lies inside you. It breaks you. 

“Take me to bed” Timmy says after a while, slowly, softly, slightly above a whisper. Armie lifts him up, Timmy’s legs wrapping around his waist immediately as his head falls to Armie’s shoulder. 

He obliges as he always does because he can’t say no to him. He will do everything Timmy ask him to do. He dreads the moment when he will demand him to leave and never see him again. Because even though Armie loves him, he won’t say no. He won’t fight. He will kiss him on the cheek, linger a little bit longer, inhaling his scent that one last time. He won’t say goodbye, he will just leave, quietly closing the door behind him. He knows it will destroy him, rip his heart from his chest, leave him bleeding and breathless. But he won’t say no even if all of him will scream in pain. 

“Love you” 

Timmy whispers to his ear, clutching to him tightly.

They lay cuddled under the sheets and he prays for just a few days more. A few minutes more. A few seconds more. Just a few more. 

* * *

_‘Let me go’_ it sounds muffled to his own ears, but it still makes his insides freeze, icing his blood, stiffing his movements, making him cold. 

“Armie please let go of me” 

It’s harsher this time, more insistent, making his heart clench painfully. 

“God can you just please let me go”

He takes his hands immediately, scooting as far as possible, standing frantically, freezing despite the heat in the apartment. He knew this moment will come. He was sure of it. He’s too damaged, too fucking broken for anyone let this beautiful soul, this beautiful boy. His hands are trembling, he feels as much, but he can’t quite move, as if all the blood in his body was replaced with lead, moving over his system slowly, heavily. He keeps his eyes shut, he must keep them shut, because there’s one thing he won’t survive. Too see repugnance is those emerald eyes, to see disgust, revulsion. 

“I’m sorry” he whispers brokenly, his voice taut and croaky. He blinks and starts moving, he needs to go, needs to run, he will suffocate here. He isn’t welcomed here. He needs to disappear. He catches his pants, yanking them upwards hastily, doing the same with his hoodie, knowing that he must be quick, must be fast, so he won’t shatter, so he won’t fall to his knees, begging. For one more second. For one more minute. _For one more kiss._

“Armie … what are you doing?” Timmy’s voice is confused, perplexed. Armie hears him moving on the bed, hears when his feet touch the floor, over the sound of his blood pumping in his veins, he can even hear as he puts his clothes on.

“I’m just going to grab my stuff and be gone”

He feels tears in the corners of his eyes, forcing their way out, making his vision blurry. He needs to get out of here now. He can’t cry in front of him, he can’t let him see how pathetic he is. How fucking broken, fragmented his soul is. That his whole being is fractured, shredded to pieces that he put together inaptly, just to fit this hollow inside him, to fill this black hole with something. He should’ve known that Timmy will see through fake smiles and pretend easiness, that he will see past his nonchalance and feigned arrogance. That he will peel layer by layer all the falseness he put upon to shield himself from the outside. That he will bare him from all his pretenses to expose his soul - bruised, shredded, just broken. He should’ve known that as much as he tried he was doomed to lose. He should’ve known that when his mask will be gone, Timmy will see that void inside him. 

“Armie please what are you doing?!” he stops, Timmy’s voice yanking him back to the present, back to this dark room, where just a few hours ago he was the happiest human in the entire universe. He takes one breath, then another, his ears filled with the sound of his blood rushing through his veins, that his heart pumps mercilessly. He feels weak like he’s just run a marathon, his legs close to just give up and fall to the ground, but he needs to move forward. To leave this place and never look back.

“I’m letting you go” he utters just above a whisper, his voice blank to his own ears. It’s better this way. He shouldn’t have started it in the first place, knowing deep down in his heart who he truly is. 

“But why?! What did I do?” Timmy’s voice sounds small and Armie’s heart clenches painfully in his chest because he wants nothing more than this boy, he wants him in every capacity he would be allowed to have. He would be his friend if that was what Timmy wished, he would be his booty call if that would be what Timmy wanted, he would be just his co-star if that’s what he wanted. He would be happy having just crumbs of affection, just small bits of interest, even if it would make him less human, less him. 

“I’ve heard you Timmy and I …” he bites his lower lip to prevent the anger from spilling out. _Just take your things and leave_ the sane part of his brain provides, it’s easier this way, you know it. 

“But what .. what did I .. what did you hear?!” Timmy stutters, his figure moving, closing the distance between them, he sees Timmy’s hands trying to grab him, but he steps back, avoiding at all costs even the smallest contacts. He will break, the last wall that he built around himself will collapse, smashed into pieces.

“You told me to let you go” he says, trying but failing at keeping anger at bay “You told me to leave you” he bites the inside of his cheek until the coppery taste of his own blood fills his mouth. _Fucking leave_ his brain supplies, but he might be too far gone to listen. 

“Armie … I don’t understand”

“I think you do” he responds tremulously, his shoulders sagging, he fails. As he always does. Not good enough. Not never enough “You don’t have to explain it to me Timmy”

“So maybe you will explain it to me Armie” the ire rising in his voice, making it harsh and unpleasant

“Jesus Timmy I’ve heard you. You told me to leave. I get it. You have enough of me” he bypasses him, wanting to run, to just get out of here as soon as possible and let this break him to the last shred of his humanity when no one could see him. 

“I don’t … Armie I love you”

He stops dead in his tracks, frozen to the place, not able to move a single muscle. He can hear Timmy moving behind him. And he knows he should move, run from this place and never look back. But his feet don’t listen to his mind, stuck in the place until he feels Timmy grabbing his hands, long fingers wrapping around his. He cups his chin with those slender digits, lifting it up, making Armie look into his eyes. Sweet, tenderness and so much love he has to look away. But his body once again betrays him and he stares into Timmy’s emerald eyes, baring his bruised soul, wanting him to see how broken he is. Without any pretenses, any masks, and fake smiles, without saying _‘I’m ok’_ when all your insides are screaming in pain. Because nothing is _ok_ . And it will never be _‘ok’._

“Why are you leaving?” Timmy asks gently, his thumb moving in circles in a soothing manner

“You told me to let you go Timmy. You don’t want me anymore” his answer drained from anger and disappointment, filled with surrender. That’s it, it’s over. And he will never have it again.

“Yeah, I said it because I had to go to the bathroom. I wanted to sneak out gently, but you were holding me, even more tightly whenever I tried to get out”

It’s simple, so fucking simple. Armie looks at him, tears pricking his eyes and he wants to say something - _anything_ \- but his throat is tangled and his mind is blank. 

“I love you” Timmy whispers, stepping closer to hug him. Wrapping his hands around his middle, long fingers interlacing at his lower back. Timmy’s nose pressed to his throat, his soft curls nibbling Armie’s jawline and Armie can breathe again, can take a lungful of air and feel his body expand. Can feel his muscles relax, going almost lax in Timmy’s embrace.

“I love you” he repeats gently, now stroking his sides in a soothing manner and before Armie is even aware he leads them back to bed. Timmy maneuvers him so he lays down between open legs, back to chest, while Timmy’s hands sneak around his shoulders, enveloping him in a tight hug. He proceeds to kiss his hair, his cheeks, his temples, grab one hand and kiss every finger then the palm and the inside. He does the same with the other one and Armie’s heart swells with affections, with so sweet and tender love he never experienced. The kind of love he didn’t know up until now. He closes his eyes, feeling as this knowledge surges through him, taking over every cell, every fiber, every small almost non-existent part of him. Merging together the broken pieces, linking wrecked fragments of his soul, making him whole again with every kiss, with every nibble, with every peck. 

“I’ll never let you go” 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm whatitis-inside on Tumblr if you want to scream about anything


End file.
